« From the Halls of Crap »
Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 6:07AM ;)
I used to welcome each succeeding holiday with enthusiasm and glee. Well, glee may be overstating it but there was definitely an element of enthusiasm involved. But, like sands through an hour glass my desire to maintain seasonal decorating nirvana has diminished with each passing year. With age comes a certain degree of inertia and in my case this has translated into a front stoop's only sign of autumn being the mass of dead leaves embedded in it's tattered doormat. So are the days of my life.
Whether it was guilt or a momentary yearning of my inner domestic goddess, I felt myself compelled to stop at the Michaels craft store yesterday. If I am being honest, it was guilt. My best gal pal, a high powered and extremely time crunched executive, made the pilgrimage to the crafter's mecca over the weekend and managed to pick up some fall related paraphernalia for the home. If she could do it, I had no excuse.
For anyone who is a heterosexual man or loathes crafting related items, particularly those of the cheap variety manufactured in Asia, spending time inside a Michaels would be equivalent to perusing the aisles of hell. Even for someone who considers herself a crafter (yes, I did just admit that fact), I find Michaels to be a giant depository of crap. If you are still wondering how we as Americans have gotten ourselves into our current economic mess just pop into one of these publicly held chain of stores and behold the roots of our trade imbalance with China. Each Michaels is filled to the rafters with entirely non essential items that generally once bought either find themselves in the trash soon after or stuffed in a closet only later to be chucked.
I put this disdain aside as I made my way towards man made pumpkins of an entirely questionable substance I hoped to use as an adornment for the front of the house. Not having children of my own, my first instinct each year on Halloween is to turn off all the lights and muzzle the dogs hoping that any trick or treaters will bypass my home in search of greener pastures. I always think better of it, buying a stash of chocolate that I almost single handedly consume before the arrival of Thanksgiving with the all of four neighbor children that stop by our door each year. But, I had made the decision to decorate as soon as I caught that first whiff of polysterene and Yankee Candle knockoffs. Our house would not only be well lit but inviting this season.
I grabbed a basket, filling it with clearance items: three fake pumpkins that from a distance look convincingly real, a sign for the door and oversized hairy tarantula. With four days before Halloween, the pickings were slim. The remaining crap was crappier than even I anticipated; the only upside being that the purchases quickly became self limiting.
Before checking out, I found myself aimlessly walking the aisles, fingering scrap booking materials, wicker baskets, and untold amounts of lavender hued Christmas figurines. I ended up in front of the magazine and book rack looking Oprah square in the eyes. This month's O Magazine has Oprah decked out in fire engine red with microphone in hand, asking the question, no, more like demanding an answer to the question, "Who are you meant to be?" I was not sure what was more depressing the fact that I was hanging out in the middle of a Michaels at 10:45 on a weekday morning with countless better things to do or that I was considering contemplating the existential underpinnings of my soul after reading the cover of Oprah's magazine. Perhaps, they were one in the same.
Before allowing myself to go down that rabbit hole and engage in Oprah's step by step guide designed to help me find and fulfill my life's purpose, I paid for my decorations and high tailed it back home after picking up two end of season mums. Upon close inspection of the photo above it becomes obvious that the mums merely got wedged into their urns, appendages drooping, looking like the cast offs that they are.
My husband smiled at me last night, remarking kindly about my rather ill conceived decorations. He did not notice that the pumpkins were not real or that the mums were not planted. He merely noticed the effort.
Sometimes it is better not to look too closely. But, today I think I will get those flowers planted and the leaves swept up. He may not notice but I will. Don't blink. Christmas is right around the corner along with fulfilling your life's purpose. All you need is a little attention to detail and the self help section at your local craft store.
Michaels, autumn, crafting, crafts, decorating, pumpkins in Decorating 
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Reader Comments (23)
Dang girl... You said a mouthful... Here I am at work, high powered or not I am suppose to be working.... And stopped by to read your blog... I just keep wondering how all those craft warehouses stay in business. I tend to not ever go in... As I have a long time ago given up on ever caring whether or not anything gets decorated. Last weekend my daughter came over to go through the many boxes of Christmas decoration and while she was in the storeroom she brought up the boxes of Halloween decorations. I forgot I had any. And I used to needlepoint some of them. Oh well! I got rid of 1 large bin of decorations and was hoping for a 2nd but, her boy friend notified her that they did not have room. Ain't life funny! ;o)
...I agree about Michaels and what really gets my goat is when you peruse those upscale country decor shops where one would think that the items are handmade by American artisans only to see that the store owner went to a craft convention and bought the Asian made items by the case for next to beans and goes about selling the items at 70% markup! I know, I know, such is the American way...*sigh* (and is that not a fine example of a run-on sentence?;o)
...Your front porch looks great and I'll bet a dollar to a donut that you're feeling pret-ty good about it too... :o)
...[singing] "Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane"...*giggle*
...Blessings... :o)
How is it that amidst someplace like Michael's, you can come up with a post like this? You truly do amaze me, Jen.
I would love to live inside your brain for even a day! :)
I like my poly-pumpkins! I bought 5 and I'll never have to buy them again.....in my lifetime! After said holiday is over, it all goes into the "Fall Decor" rubbermaid container and lives in the storage area until said season rolls around again.
Totally agree about Michaels....its a bottomless pit of chinese-made crip-crap.....but it sucks you in and traps you.
I'm actually admiring the fact that you can put pumpkins on your porch! Here in small town America, the poly pumpkin would be stolen, and the real pumpkin would be smashed on my side walk! My Halloween decorations are the spider webs from summer that I didn't sweep off the porch!
The single most terrifying thing we have seen all day? "Don't blink. Christmas is right around the corner." Truly terrifying.
Perhaps almost as frightening is admitting that just about every week yours truly cuts out the Michaels coupon 'just in case' it is needed. Seriously.
This is a fab post, it clearly speaks to a lot of us!
tp
Man, you crack me up! I have to literally 'gear up' mentally and physically to enter that place. Although there are times I do adore it! I, too saw that issue of O at the stands by the grocery check out. Part of me wanted badly to open it and find out Who I am meant to be and the other part of me was scared and wanted to run the other way. I chose denial and adventure. Who do they think they are, anyway???
My house doesn't need decorations. It looks scary enough in its decrepitude. Seriously. To decorate our house for ANY season would just look ridiculous. Someday I hope to have the house sided, hiding the blow-in insulation plugs, the porch rails painted, and on the inside maybe--is it too much to ask?--trim and floors that are younger than 100 years of age. But for now, it is only a dream. And a good reason not to decorate.
Love your take on Michaels. Too, too true. Great post!
Yes, I agree with Mayhem and Moxie! I would like to know how you come up with these amazing posts!
It was a delight reading today's post.
I'm not in the holiday spirit almost ever, like this year for Canadian Thanksgiving we had nachos and icecream for dinner. No bird!
But on Xmas I make an effort. It's something about the songs, the snow, and the cheer that gets to me.
But I think even pretending you care about decorating and nesting and stuff like this goes a long way. It does make you feel better, even if it's just a lil' bit.
That is a great blog Jen. I like to decorate for Christmas rather than Halloween, but am debating if I'm going to do the tree this year since I don't have my boys for Christmas. I love putting the tree up - it's just a pain to take everything down and put away..
I agree with the comments about your talent - you are gifted!! Keep writing girl :)
OMG, Jen...there is so much in this FAAABULOUS post I want to comment on..
First of all...I laughed my ass off at the whole Oprah thing - I think you and I must have the same feelings about her.
Second of all...I think your decorating looks great! Honestly! It's minimal and tasteful. Not sensory overload like some people do. My big Halloween (which also doubles as Thanksgiving) is a grouping of three dwarth size pumpkins surrounded with some fall leaves on my coffee table - woo! woo!
Third of all...Michaels....you said it, girl...BRAVA!
Jen, always remember rule #1.
Rule #1 - Don't shop at Michael's.
Rule #2 - Go back to Rule #1.
LOL.
I'm so with you. Each year I get further and further removed from the holidays. I couldn't even make myself buy a pumpkin this year. And I think I despise being in Michael's more than Costco. Well, that's a tough call. Hmmm, yes, Michael's is worse.
Thanks all for the great comments. I don't think anyone would want to reside inside my head for too long. As you can see, I ruminate about things like craft stores and trade imbalances.
Sounds like most everyone else is with me on the lack of decorating spirit right now. And, Michaels is the kind of place that sucks you in. If you are not careful you may find yourself having spent a hundred dollars on glitter and ribbons.
I LOVE holiday decorating. I think it ties me to my past-I was raised with women who turn Christmas into an artful wonderland. It keeps me in touch with the inner-girl living in what I feel is a boys home. It seems to elevate ordinary into exciting-it creates attitude adjustment. Craft stores have their place, but I love eclectic little stores that have absoslutely cute holiday stuff that make my ears tingle and perk up!
Of course, it helps that Fall is my favorite time of year! Have a Boo-lishes next couple of days!
I am completely craft challenged. And can't decorate worth a hoot. But, I can cook:)
Yeah...it's weird about Michael's. I say the same thing...I'd never shop there, but I do occasionally go in. I, too am guilty of owning one of those fake pumpkins, which I've carved up using the "pumpkin-carving kit du-jour" of that particular season (this is going back a few years. It's freakin' great! I never have to carve another pumpkin again! Evidently, this is what has become of me....this is where I find my pleasure.
Sigh....
I loathe holidays. too much stress. especially Christmas. My favorite day of the year is Dec. 26th, as long as humanly possible away from the next one. sad, but true.
Dang, you always make me THINK when I come over here. Ah ha. Don't beat yourself up. I don't think there is anything wrong with allowing ourselves to buy into a greeting card holiday a bit. I quite enjoy busting out my silly decorations, which I always buy on sale btw. : )
For anyone who is a heterosexual man or loathes crafting related items, particularly those of the cheap variety manufactured in Asia, spending time inside a Michaels would be equivalent to perusing the aisles of hell.
YOU TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH